Being happy is very important to me. I’ve come to discover that I when i’m happy, I am at peace with myself . I also love to laugh. If it were up to me, I would spend my entire life laughing and being happy. One of my friends very aptly described my attitude as a “natural high” ( It’s a natural high, i promise !).
However, the reality of life is that you have to face the good as well as the bad. Life will never be a continuous stream of awesomeness . You will always fluctuate from one state to another ; sometimes happy , sometimes sad and other times just “meh”.
Cue sad and emotional back story that will serve as an explanation to my philosophical and existential ramblings .
When I was in tenth grade, I was depressed. It took me a surprisingly long time to accept that. Usually, I am excellent at self-diagnosis ( thank you , Web MD) but I did not realize it until a very late stage. A combination of factors led to my depression. These were social , financial and spiritual stressors .
It also took me a long time to admit that depression was an illness, a mental illness.
My personality hampered the chances that I had of recovering. I always felt as though I had to continually prove my self-sufficiency and independence to the people around me by dealing with life on my own. Because of that major flaw , I found it very hard to tell anyone about how I was feeling . I felt as though it was my battle alone.
I remember feeling a strange loneliness. I felt incredibly isolated from my “friends” and family . I cried on a regular basis . I remember a month where I did not go a single day without bawling my eyes out. Sometimes a single thought would just break me down , I would descend into a pit of darkness and absolute despair.
When you couple a negative state of mind with general teenage angst and sprinkle a dash of frightfully low self-esteem , you have a recipe for a very terrible outcome.
Things eventually came to a head (it got to a point where I did not see the purpose in living) and I decided to speak to my guidance counselor . Thanks to her , I was able to conquer my illness and fight the insecurities that were holding me back . It’s in her job description to give guidance but I am eternally grateful for all the advice and guidance she gave me.
Depression is a crushing illness. It is a state of mind. It is a manifestation of the things that are inside your head. The things that you brood over and over-analyze. Being an over- analyzer and over thinker, I can now see how susceptible I was to suffering from depression.
That was at least three years ago ( and counting ). Looking back , I would probably say that it was the worst year of my life. I was lucky to have mustered up the remnants of my courage which enabled me speak to my guidance counselor.
I still think about that year. I think about how I survived it and how I was able overcome all the things that I thought were against me. I also think about how I NEVER EVER want to feel like that again. I still have some “meh” days ( not great but not terrible either) but nothing comes close to that terrible year.
Pain and sadness are sometimes are justified. You sometimes need to feel pain before you can truly appreciate your happiness. I now have a greater sense of appreciation for the moments of happiness that flit past in life.
I am always looking for the signs and symptoms of depression in others because sometimes all you need is for someone to take notice. I am not a qualified guidance counselor or psychologist but what I can offer is my experiences in the hopes that they help others too.
Sometimes all you need is a change in your perspective of life and that could make all the difference.
When you live in a world of 7 billion ( and counting) individuals, it is very easy to fade away and feel alone. That is why I smile at everyone. Because you never know when your smile will ease someone else’s difficult day. I made a New Year’s Resolution to smile at four people everyday ( four is an arbitrary number, pick however many people you like to smile at ! ) .
My smile resolution has been successful thus far ( unlike many of my other resolutions . . . #fitness) and I intend to keep on smiling !
I am not delusional , I am simply an optimistic realist 🙂
Lots Of Lily Love ❤ (LOLL)